I can tuck mytits in my pants
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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