Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
