I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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