On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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