Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
