Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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