Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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