I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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