HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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