I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
