she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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