worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
