Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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