I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
