so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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