dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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