Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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