wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
