fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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