we have officially lost it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
