my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
