tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
