I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
