he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
