My friends, they love my intelligence
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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