I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
