i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
zippers are such a cool invention
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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