Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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