I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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