just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
