ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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