Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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