It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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