Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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