So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
