Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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