some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize