I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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