I'm eating all of the evidence.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The struggles of a small town man whore
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
