I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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