Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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