Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
we should paint friendship bongs
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