So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
