In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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