My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
