My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
