i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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