the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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