I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
