We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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