need another drink. this is the easiest way
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
