Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
