My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
