I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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