Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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