quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
