you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
