Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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